Melancholy Monday

 Melancholy Monday

Mondays are always not great for me, partly because it's the start of the week, and partly because it's the day I see me CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse if you don't know what it stands for).

Sitting, talking about the way I'm feeling is hard. It's hard to recognise those feelings, and its even harder to rationalize them in my messed up head. I know that the feelings are normal and they come with the trauma I've experienced in may past, but knowing that doesn't seem to make it any easier.

This weekend we went out on both days, and at both locations I witnessed children interacting with their parents. They would only have been 3 or 4 years old, and they were having fun, running around and being lively. Watching this made me smile, knowing it wont be long before I have my baby in my arms, snuggled and safe, but it also made my scared. What if I can't chase after them, what if I don't have the strength to lift them up for a cuddle, what if I can't grab them in time to keep them safe when they are doing something dangerous? 

My CPN is convinced that these are worries that all new parents face, that familiar feeling of "will I be good enough", but for me its more than that. My physical and emotional disabilities leave me tired, and in constant pain. My wheelchair restricts my movement and my speed and prevents me from getting into older buildings or down streets where someone has parked on the curb. I rely on my carers for my personal care. 

When we made the choice to have a child, we did so willingly and not blinded to the struggles I will face. On some days I'm resilient, I know that with love in abundance our baby will thrive. I know that together, Andrew and I can do all that we need to to keep this child safe, fed and warm. But on days like today, the lower days, it's easier to listen to the demons telling me that I wont be good enough.

Andrew bought me a present on Saturday, which was very poignant to the way I'm feeling.



Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will be good enough...

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